Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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