you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
