if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
