I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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