I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
