I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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