if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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