she pinky promised me she was 18
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
