I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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