her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
