He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
