I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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