Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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