Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
