I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
