Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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