I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize