i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
