apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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