It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
