i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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