She is in my trunk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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