This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
