I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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