Jerry, you need to find god
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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