Betty ford says i'm here all night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
