I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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