I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
