I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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