I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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