you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
