Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
