**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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