I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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