Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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