I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
