I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
