New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
