dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize