remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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