Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
