what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What drink are we having for lunch?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
