She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
