There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
