how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
