youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
