During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
