I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
