Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
