Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
