Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
