the condom got lost in my hair
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is it penis luge time yet?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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