____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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