Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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