I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
