I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
