for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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