i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
