Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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