i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
