i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
